One of the hardest things a parent can do is separate from the other parent and watch in anguish as the other parent makes a mess of parenting duties. When clients complain to me about this, I frequently introduce them to a concept my wife and I call "the buttered toast principle."
When our son was little, I used to make his toast and butter it for him. I have done this so many times over the course of his life that I do not even think about it. It is as automatic as brushing my teeth or putting on socks. Around the time he was ten, I caught myself and thought, "What the heck am I doing? He should have started doing this himself years ago!"
Indeed, at the age of 10, he was already doing several things much more complicated and involved than buttering toast.
The morning I had this realization, I announced to him that he would be responsible for all toast-buttering duties for the foreseeable future. As my wife and I sat at the breakfast table, we watched him attempt to butter toast.
Emphasis on the word "attempt." He used an ice cold piece of butter roughly the size of Antarctica. He waited until the toast had been out of the toaster for several minutes so that no residual heat helped melt it. He used a serrated knife that punched giant, gaping holes through poor, battered pieces of toast.
My wife and I looked at each other. He was making a giant mess of it. Both of us practically had to sit on our hands to keep from jumping in because he was so clearly making a mess of it. I almost broke discipline and interrupted the toast carnage, but my wife put her hand on my shoulder.
"He's got to make a mess of it if he is going to learn."
As silly as that story is, it illustrates a powerful human drive. When you know how to do something really well, it can be incredibly hard to sit there and watch somebody else bumble through it when you know it could go so much better with your intervention. The more important the task is to you, the harder it is not to wade in and address poor performance.
What does this have to do with family law?
When couples split up, there is frequently one parent that has done more of the "parenting work," be it making lunches, picking outfits, comforting sick kids... you name it. When parties are together, disparate skill sets are OK because each parent can play to their strengths. The mother who might not be great at feelings is dynamite when it comes to bookkeeping. This is fine because Dad is there for the other things.
Suddenly, individual parents have to exhibit all the parenting skills during their time. Watching the other parent make a mess is incredibly hard because children are much more important to us than a few pieces of toast. The temptation to go in and manage can be almost overwhelming.
I frequently counsel clients not to do so unless there is a real safety risk. Forgetting a child's soccer cleats or packing a crappy school lunch do not require intervention. Handling time outs differently or telling the child to "suck it up" do not (in the vast majority of circumstances) require intervention. Showing the child different TV shows than you would like them to watch (again, most of the time) does not require intervention.
The reason for the "hands off" approach to these non-safety parenting challenges is both legal and practical.
From a legal perspective, each parent is going to be afforded their own parenting style and you will never get judicial blessing to micromanage the other parent's parenting. These attempts will get harshly rebuked in courts because Commissioners do not want these types of struggles to take away from the time they spend on cases where there is real danger to children.
From a practical (and in my view more important) perspective, there is deep value in the struggle the parent and child will go through as they find a new way forward. Working through these issues can form the basis for a new relationship and a far deeper bond. It will be messy and imperfect. It likely will not occur in your desired timeframe. Regardless, it is important to understand that this struggle is absolutely necessary for parent and child. Parent will not learn without making mistakes, and child will not learn how to partner with the parent and work together without lots of practice.
It is important to understand that we do not owe our children smooth and easy lives. We owe them enriching ones where challenges are faced as a family and overcome. Children are resilient, and despite what a lot of parents think, can strongly adapt to different cultures in two parents' households.
With that in mind, the next time you cringe at a co-parent's efforts, I hope you will remember the "buttered toast principle" and ask yourself if staying out of it is the kindest think you can do for both parent and child (and yourself).
Enjoyed to read about this principle