No Perfect Messenger, No Perfect Message - Diplomacy and Divorces

Often, when clients and I are preparing the initial paperwork for a divorce, there is major agonizing over the phrasing of the cover letter that goes with the initial paperwork. This might seem strange, but you have to put it in context. Divorces constitute a big, obvious, public boundary being set. People, afraid of a contentious divorce, will often put inordinate amounts of effort into the initial correspondence to the other side, in the hopes that the right combination of words will somehow ensure a peaceful process.

Unfortunately, that magic combination does not exist. People that are mad about a divorce will be mad, regardless of how artful your phrasing is.

Several years ago when I lived in Florida, I had the misfortune of being required to let an employee know they were being fired. I recall spending days losing sleep and agonizing over exactly the perfect way to say it, and what the perfect time would be. My then-boss observed my struggle, and in his usual terse way, gave me good advice about it.

“Doesn’t matter how much you dress it up, Patrick. They’re never going to thank you for it. Bad news doesn’t get better with age… just do it clean and do it now.”

There is a lot of wisdom in that. Some messages, no matter how skillfully formulated, will never sit will with the other party. Divorce is one of those messages. No one will ever thank you for initiating a divorce. To that extent, I often tell my clients to let go of looking for that “perfect formulation,” because a letter will not fix the issues between the parties.

Now, having said that, I’m not suggesting we throw the baby out with the bath water and give up on diplomacy altogether. The opening moves in a divorce can and frequently do set the tone for the whole thing. Your very diplomatic letter and thoughtful, amicable positions on several divorce issues will not be immediately appreciated, but they will frequently come into focus when the other side sits down with a lawyer and that lawyer says, “This person is being extremely generous,” or “This person could have brought you to court immediately and they didn’t.”

Sometimes it takes time and distance for your diplomacy to bear fruit.

It is also important to understand what, exactly, it looks like when your diplomatic efforts do bear fruit. I define diplomatic success in a divorce as reaching a mutually acceptable outcome, within the range of what might occur at trial, that is beneficial to both parties (and their kids) and allows some financial stability and mostly peaceful co-existence.

My definition does not include the parties being friends at the end.

Many clients come into my office thinking an “amicable divorce” means that the parties are friends in the end and their differences mended. This does happen, but it is exceedingly rare. I've never formally studied it, but I'd put it at less than 10% of the divorces I handle.

The reason is fairly simple – Washington is a no-fault divorce state. If it doesn’t have anything to do with children or money, it is irrelevant. This means that the vast majority of wrongs the parties commit against each other (infidelity, emotional abuse, poor communication, and the like) will literally never be addressed in the legal system. As a result, those scars are still there, to be born and dealt with over time and distance.

The legal framework provided for parties with parenting plans is a way for the parties to exist despite those injuries. It does not cure the injuries. In a sense, you are putting a fence around those hurts so everyone is forced to carefully step around them.

Hopefully this post gives you a better sense of what is possible through diplomacy. I am hopeful it is not a discouraging post. If you can meet with my definition of successful diplomacy, you have accomplished something great: you got through a divorce, you did not give all the money to the lawyers, and you and the children took as little damage as possible.

That's a win, even if it doesn't feel like it at times.

As always, I hope this helps.