Negotiating in the Dark

"Oh, she's willing to negotiate, but she won't tell you anything about her assets or income until you agree to the parenting plan she wants."

Danger, Will Robinson, danger.

As soon as I heard this proposal in a divorce case, I immediately knew something was up and that negotiation was not appropriate at this point. I spent a lot of time talking with my client, asking about how these discussions had gone with his spouse. He told me that this was typical - she would want to get a concession or two before she shared information, and when she did, it was only what she wanted to share.

He described financial discussions with her as a dangerous minefield - one it was typically easier to just ignore.

One of the very common tactics in abusive relationships is the control of financial information. For example, an abusive working spouse might keep the stay-at-home spouse wholly ignorant of the family's finances and resources. This can take a lot of forms - responding to questions with intimidation, ensuring that the assets are only in the abusive party's name, controlling online access to financial information... the list goes on and on. In some cases, these behaviors are very purposeful. In other cases, they are inherited - simply parties repeating what they watched their own parents do growing up.

Part of being a divorce lawyer is understanding these tactics and the power dynamics that go with them. Financial information control can make the abused spouse easier to manipulate. Abusive parties (consciously or unconsciously) create situations where it feels as if the other spouse has nowhere to go and no resources with which to get there. This allows the abuser spouse to engage in all kinds of indiscretions - being a poor partner, being a poor parent, substance abuse, even engaging in egregious domestic violence.

The family is forced to tolerate it because of the almighty dollar and the comfort and safety it provides.

In the years of doing this, I've learned that families will endure unbelievable amounts of bad behavior because of a paycheck.

One of the great equalizers in our modern divorce process is discovery. Discovery is the process by which one party can force the other party (or their banks and other financial institutions) to produce records so that both parties can clearly understand the money involved in a family.

If I am representing a spouse that has been kept in the dark, this can be a "heavy lift" because we have to figure it all out from the ground floor - banks, investment accounts, retirement accounts, income sources, assets... the list keeps going. This requires written discovery and subpoenas, and the other party might try to "wriggle out" of coughing up truthful answers.

The expense is obnoxious, but the reality is that a couple thousand dollars in attorney's fees can often mean a settlement that increases by substantially large amounts. I personally have had several cases where discovery yielded hundreds of thousands of dollars in additional assets.

That said, financial benefits are often dwarfed by the radical transformation in the power dynamic when everyone knows about the money.

One of the pitfalls I warn clients about is how their partner will react when the "curtain" is pulled back from the money. In many instances, money has been a reliable control mechanism for the abusive party.

There is some fear on the part of the abused party about asking these "dangerous questions." There is a lot more fear on the part of the abuser, who is about to be divested of all his / her power and control.

Financial discovery is one of those points in a case where an abusive party is likely to reach out and try manipulation tactics - anything from charming ("don't you trust me?") to manipulation ("won't it be easier if I just give you all the records?") to outright intimidation ("if you keep digging about money, I'll make sure you're a weekend mom by the time this is done.")

It is important to be disciplined and stay the course at these times. Do not let yourself get manipulated or intimidated. By finding out about money, you are fundamentally undoing a power imbalance that may have been in place for years.

You have a legal right to make life-changing decisions from a place of knowledge, so you can make the best decision for you.

Don't voluntarily accept the power imbalance of negotiating in the dark.

Drag everything out into the light, even if it is scary.

You'll thank yourself down the road.