There are lots of different types of lawyers who practice family law. Many have very different methods. Some attorneys might go to trial more often. Some might try and resolve cases with phone calls and correspondence. Some might do enough discovery to document every last scrap of property. Some might do very informal and minimal discovery. Some might be more conciliatory. Others might be more aggressive. Family law represents several complicated problems with many different solutions, and one is not necessarily better than the other.
With that said, there are some methods that I think are definitely harmful and destructive. I want to call some of those out so that you have this information when you decide on an attorney, because some of these methods can have negative impacts that last for years.
One of the exercises I often do with a client is to ask them about times they were publicly humiliated. I ask enough questions that the client not only remembers the experience, but typically has a physical reaction to it. I ask, “How clearly do you recall this experience?”
Typically, the answer is very clearly.
“Do you still have strong feelings about it?”
Most definitely. Even for an experience that might be years or decades old.
I ask this because having conflicts in the courts, where peoples’ very private information is made very public, tends to have lasting consequences. People do not easily forget those experiences in and move on. Those conflicts will typically be “between” the parties for the rest of their lives. For people who do not have children, maybe this is not as big of a concern, but for people with families, this trauma can literally echo for generations. With that said, when and how to fight in a divorce are very important questions.
If you choose an attorney that touts themselves as “aggressive,” you have to be very careful. Sometimes, there needs to be conflict. There are situations where a result needs to happen and the only way it will is if there is a conflict in court. The problem I see is that many attorneys will engage in conflicts that are not necessary, or will take a necessary conflict and go so “over the top” with how much they ramp up the conflict that the supposed “cure” ends up being worse than the problem that necessitated it.
Some lawyers do this because they think clients like it. In essence, it becomes an attempt at marketing or “customer service.” I think this is an incredible disservice to clients. The way I look it, clients come to me in times of uncertainty and crisis. They are coming to grips with some of the most visceral and difficult emotions in their lives. I view my job as keeping them grounded and healthy. Not telling them what they want to hear or egging on their destructive impulses.
Consider a doctor. How often do you encounter doctors that just tell patients what they want to hear in order to make them happy? They typically don’t because the stakes are so high with peoples’ physical health. I consider what family law attorneys do to be in the same realm as doctors. We are tasked with preserving our clients physical, financial, and psychological safety.
Perhaps worse are the attorneys that are aggressive not because clients want it, but rather because they are not in control of their own impulses.
As a relevant aside, I have been training in Japanese martial arts for almost twenty years. This training has been incredibly valuable, because I get to study my own personal aggression in a “laboratory” where I can do so in a safe and controlled way. Years of this training has led me to the conclusion that many people simply are not in touch with their own destructive impulses and aggressive tendencies. Even as a seasoned practitioner, I am always surprised at discovering the different places and ways aggression can come out. For me (and everyone I’ve ever trained with), coming to terms with these types of tendencies is a long and rigorous journey.
Tragically, many people do not have a safe place like the dojo to really explore these aspects of themselves and it shows.
Being a family law lawyer is like walking a razor’s edge. You deal with difficult, emotional problems. It is so easy to get sucked into people’s drama. You will, inevitably, have emotional baggage as a lawyer and have your own hang-ups. Your clients, the other parties, and the other lawyers are often in highly emotionally charged states. It takes extraordinary discipline and self-restraint not to get “sucked in” and to see things with a mind towards the long-term health of clients.
I cannot tell you how often I have seen attorneys who either lack self awareness or don’t care and compulsively create incredible swathes of destruction. Their conduct traumatizes the parties and costs their clients a fortune. In a bizarre way, several of these attorneys literally become addicted to the “high conflict” emotional rollercoaster and delight in the extreme reactions of the parties and the exorbitant amount of fees they charge. They become listless when they do not have “the fight,” and will actively seek out (or create) conflicts if one is not readily available.
I have been practicing law since 2006. I have known several attorneys who practice in this "scorched earth" method. Tragically, this type of behavior is often an extension of unwellness in their personal lives. They have fractured families, financial woes, addiction, unhealthy habits… the list goes on and on. It is particularly tragic to watch their personal health problems become amplified through the practice of law, and harm far more people than a normal person’s personal issues might.
When you speak with an attorney about your case, you should pay careful attention to how they solve problems. If their marketing focuses on aggression, you need to ask yourself why and how that aggression would be useful to getting you and your family into a safer, healthier place in life. If you opt for a “high aggression” lawyer, make sure there aren’t the indicators that the attorney is using it to gratify their own impulses or manipulate clients.
As always, I hope this helps.
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