There are several things in life you likely learned from your family - how to cook, how to drive, how to act at work... the list goes on and on. In many instances, these are valuable lessons, tested and refined through time. Your family's oral tradition is part of the wealth passed down.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of skills you cannot get from your family because their development is relatively recent. For example, you can't use an iPad just like Grandma did when you were a kid. (In fact, you may not want to use an iPad the way Grandma does now.)
I put co-parenting in that second category of skills. Throughout the course of human history, people certainly have successfully co-parented, but what we have in modern times is a group of lawyers, psychologists, counsellors, and social workers that have worked very hard to study the dynamics of a divorce and its aftermath. There are several tools and strategies that have been developed for families in crisis and refined through decades of experience.
Simply hiring a lawyer does not give you these skills. Even if you have lengthy conversations with a lawyer about "what to do," that is only going to give you the surface level of knowledge... you might call it the theory. As you know, putting a theory into practice in the real world requires you to work at it. There's an old adage in the military that "no plan survives first contact," and that rings just as true in this setting.
If you really want to acquire strong co-parenting skills, you will have to dig deep into the guidance of experts. You'll likely need to read at least a couple of books and think hard about them. (Luckily, several of the best are available in audiobook format these days if you need something easier.) Once you have that knowledge base, you will have to put those strategies to test in your particular parenting situation. This requires practice and, ideally, a seasoned professional you can review your efforts with. (I often provide clients with this information up front, ask them to read up in the first month or two, and then we spend the next couple of months as we get through temporary orders and discovery putting things into practice.)
Most clients are staggered by how much using good co-parenting tools and practices reduces strain on parents and kids. Their learning investment creates real dividends for the whole family, and it is an absolute beauty to watch.
With that said, even if the other parent is totally unwilling to co-parent well, those skills will serve you in very good stead in legal battles. I'll use an example to illustrate.
I represented a client who was super-diligent about learning co-parenting tools. Unfortunately, his spouse just could not seem to keep herself from creating conflict. My client asked that after they talked about parenting issues and came to an agreement that they would confirm it by email. This is a standard co-parenting practice and highly encouraged because it makes a clean record. Knowing things are going to be reduced to writing also helps people mind their manners.
The other side engaged in absolute hysterics, refusing to (her words) "play his game."
After they spoke, he would send short emails that said something like, "Thanks for talking to me. This email will confirm we agreed to a drop-off at Denny's on the 23rd. See you then."
She accused him of sending harassing emails.
Ultimately, we ended up going to Court about a lot of things. I was more than happy to show the Court this so-called "harassment," which illustrated that my client was by far the more reasonable parent. The opposing party's refusal to do several basic things, like correspond via email, review a common calendar, or avoid talking about parenting in front of the kids stood her in poor stead, and the GAL on the case recommended that my client get primary custody of the children.
In that sense, acquiring the tools of co-parenting have a two-fold benefit. Best case scenario, these practices can change your life. At worst, they will at least equip you very well, practically, mentally, and emotional, for a difficult legal battle and its fall-out.
As always, I hope this helps. I will likely dedicate a future post to the co-parenting resources mentioned here, so please stay tuned.
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