Ever felt like you've had the same argument with your ex about a thousand times? You know the one, where you can practically script each back and forth? If so, go easy on yourself - you are dealing with one of the most common co-parenting problems when partners separate but raise children together. Hopefully this tip will ease some of that tension, and put you in a better legal position in the process.
One of the biggest chores in learning how to co-parent with a former partner is figuring how how to break old, long-standing unhealthy habits. In my experience (and I'm not a clinician - just a guy that keeps watching these things), co-parents get "stuck" in the same dispute patterns. I'll give you a few examples:
Co-parent brings up a parenting issue in front of the child, turning it into theater where there is competition for the child's favor.
Co-parent knows how to "push your buttons" and draws you into a big, ugly argument that ends up stressing out both of you and the kids.
Co-parent and you get into an argument over text message, where you end up saying bad things to each other (which may end up being used in court).
All of these examples have similar dynamics: they are immediate. When we get drawn into arguments (especially with those we have strong feelings about), we are not just "rational animals." Rather, as our emotions become involved, we start feeling things that color our problem solving - we are angry, defensive, aggressive, frustrated, offended... the list goes on and on.
With that is frequently a physiological response. Our heart rate gets higher, we become flushed, we get pale, hands shake, voices raise, body language gets aggressive. There are too many things to catalogue. The problem is that as our "physical conflict systems" come online, our intellectual ones frequently take a back seat. If you look at our evolution as a species, our physical "conflict responses" gear us up for a physical conflict - fight or flight. Those responses which might help you drive off a lion will do absolutely nothing for you in a debate about who takes Timothy to soccer practice.
One of the most valuable tools you can develop as a co-parent is to spot those physical signs that you are starting to have compromised judgment. A great place to start is to pay attention to the physiological signs, since the emotional ones are not always obvious.
A lot of co-parents get stuck at this point. They realize they get drawn into the same argument, realize they are getting mad, responding emotionally... but they think they can "will themselves" to stop. "I won't do it next time," they say to themselves, right up to the point where they say, "Damn! I did it again!"
In my experience, you can't will yourself out of this. Willpower helps a bit, but not much. Especially when it is competing with millions of years of evolution and years (or decades) of you being trained into the same response pattern.
The solution I give people is to purposefully break the pattern. I am a huge advocate of training parents to spot those "ignition points" and immediately stop they discussion when they feel it happening. My client proposes emailing what they want and why instead of arguing, with the caveat that no one sends an email for 24 hours, and no one responds to an email for 24 hours.
What difference 48 hours makes.
This change of communication medium and the built-in delay keep the discussion intellectual, and frequently works to short-circuit the unhealthy dynamics that have prevailed in a relationship for years. In my experience, forcing people to write out what they want and why causes a deeper, more nuanced understanding. Often, the reasoning is expressed far better and more persuasively than it might be "in the moment." Problem solving is done with brains instead of egos.
I force clients to write a "what I would like us to do" section (no more than one sentence for a topic) and a "why" section. The "why" cannot be more than two or three paragraphs because if it gets too long, the other parent tunes out.
Phrasing is important. The reason I make people say "what I would like us to do" is because it reinforces that "we" are a team. I tell people to avoid "what I want" because it sounds demanding and often harkens to power-struggles that people had in the past.
The email strategy also has the benefit of creating a clear written record if any party needs it for court later. (Text messages do this too, but people don't tend to stop and think before they text because it is so easy.)
"But Pat," you say, "My co-parent would never do the email method!"
Maybe not. Especially if there is already a permanent parenting plan in place and it is not required. The information is still useful in a lot of ways. As a bare minimum, you can train yourself to spot the signs of the "eternal argument" and find ways to short-circuit it, even if it is just removing yourself from the situation. (Or, you know, giving your phone to a friend overnight so you're not allowed to respond to that crappy text from your ex until 24 hours have passed.)
You should still make the request and explain why. Even if the other party does not agree to email communication, you will be well-served if the case ever gets into litigation because you are showing the Court that you are trying to be part of the solution and breaking old habits. (I frequently tell clients that in family law, the most reasonable person in the room gets that they want. Efforts to improve the quality of your communication go a long way towards painting you as the most reasonable person.)
If you are in the process of litigating, lawyers and judges understand what I am talking about here. It is not difficult to get this type of "joint decision method by email" into court, because the judges and lawyers are just as eager as you are to break old, unhealthy patterns. It makes less work for them and generally makes for healthier kids. If you are getting ready to litigate or you are in the process, talk to your lawyer about this because this is likely something that can be incorporated into a parenting plan. Having it in a court order is helpful, because the other party (and maybe you) will really have to struggle hard at first not to fall back into the old routine.
Co-parenting is often the art of making simple adjustments with huge impacts. Hopefully this "simple adjustments" makes life easier for you.
コメント