If you are in a high conflict divorce (or high conflict co-parenting after a divorce), there is going to be a recommendation that you communicate with your co-parent via email or text message. There are a lot of benefits to doing this – it creates a written record for court and it forces people to slow down and think. Even so, unfortunately, there can still be plenty of room for conflict in email and text communications.
In my practice, I have seen several instances where co-parents engage in full-out electronic wars, recapping years (or decades) of toxic history while trying to do simple things, like coordinate attendance at a ballet recital.
When this arises with clients, I introduce them to “BIFF.” “BIFF” stands for “Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.” This method was developed by Bill Eddy, who is an authority on high conflict divorces and high conflict personalities in legal settings. (Links to some of his works below.)
This acronym is basic guidance for any written correspondence with a difficult co-parent. The method is the best way I have found to make good, clear records for court and avoid inviting more conflict. It takes some practice, but with a bit of investment, you can have a skill that will bear legal and practical dividends for years. There really is no substitute for Bill’s book, but I will at least go through the basics because even a general knowledge of this method can be a huge benefit.
Brief – Typically speaking, most co-parenting emails do not need to be more than a paragraph. You have to discipline yourself to avoid any discussion of feelings, any editorials on the other parents or their choices, or any of the “invitations to argue” that grieving co-parents love to put in emails. If you are on the receiving end of such a “novel length” email from the other parent, the discipline is to only address the actual co-parenting issue, and only do so with short factual recitations.
Example: My ex sends me an email about my daughter’s ballet recital next week. It is littered with commentary on my attendance / failure to attend previous recitals, family members I have brought, and unrelated issues like a past residential transfer that was five minutes late. The email is probably two pages, typed.
Response: “Thank you for reaching out. I’ll have Emily to her recital at 7:00 p.m. and make sure she has all her gear. I’ll be in attendance with my mom and dad. Have a good weekend.”
Informative – Once you select a topic for an email, only supply facts that are relevant to this issue, right now. If you are emailing about a recital this weekend, only include facts that pertain to the recital this weekend. Necessary information is included. Everything else is not.
There is a temptation to add additional information when you are trying to “make nice” with additional info. This might be a viable strategy with a friend, to give them some more context. (Example: “My parents are flying in from Omaha on Friday. They’re going to spend the weekend with us, but they specifically came in to see the recital.”) You might share this with a friend to suggest activities you could all do together, or possibly explain why you are tied up all weekend. Since co-parent is not going to be doing anything other than seeing your parents at the recital, everything else is unnecessary and potentially represents an excuse to fight about more things.
Friendly – This part is often misconstrued. Friendly does not mean a bunch of false well wishes or theatrical gestures. “Friendly” in this context is exactly the same as it would be with a colleague you do not know well at work. “Thanks for responding to my email” or “Have a great weekend” are viable friendly markers. What you are really looking for here is brief professional courtesy statements. These help things look better for court, and can somewhat soften the stark nature of a proper “BIFF” email.
Firm – This is another part that people struggle with. People often confuse firm with belligerent or offensive. Firm does not mean aggressive or harsh. It means matter of fact and final. This is perhaps best illustrated with an example.
Example: Difficult co-parent takes issue with the fact that your parents are at the recital. He references that they treated him poorly during the marriage and even worse during the divorce. He does not think your parents “deserve” the right to watch the child at the recital. Again, you get this in a two-page email.
Response: “Thank you for voicing your concerns. I looked at the parenting plan and I do not see any restrictions on having other family members at Emily’s activities. I will have my parents there but I will ensure they do not interact with you. If you believe there is anything in the parenting plan that would prevent this, or if you have another proposed solution, please let me know no later than Wednesday. Thanks again.”
In the response, there is no willingness to engage in “reliving” ancient history. You are acknowledging the other party’s feelings but not inviting a discussion about feelings. (You are no longer responsible for helping them manage their feelings about the past, even if those feelings involved you or your family.) You are stating your plan in simple factual terms and referring the other party to the parenting plan, the official rules governing the plan, which will decide the dispute and govern any dispute resolution mechanisms. You are proposing a simple, no-nonsense solution (keep your parents away). You are allowing for the possibility there might be a legitimate reason, and to avoid chaos, you are setting a deadline by which any such issue should be raised. You are again thanking the person for speaking up and voicing concerns.
From this point, you have covered all the bases. It is now up to the other party to come up with any legal or practical reason why your parents should not be there. If the issue ever shows up in court later on, your response will be exactly what a Snohomish County Commissioner or Judge would be looking for from a skilled co-parent.
If you need a "template" for a BIFF email, it goes like this:
Thank / acknowledge communication
Provide necessary information
Refer to authority (if applicable - things like the parenting plan, doctor's recommendation)
Propose resolution
Invite alternative proposal
Set deadline for dialogue
Thank again
Practice and Coaching: Depending on your case, your lawyer may ask you to forward emails to the other party for a while to work on this skill. Often, you will have your own weaknesses in executing “BIFF” well. People typically excel at some areas and need work on others. In a lot of instances, the high conflict co-parent has “hooks” they keep going back to. The lawyer will teach you how not to get sucked into these things. A lawyer will also teach you about the rare set of times you should respond to the novel you get from the other side (that is another post).
This may seem like an odd way to spend costly lawyer time, but as I tell clients, investing in some skills up front will save you thousands of dollars in legal fees and countless sleepless nights.
Resources: Bill Eddy is a wonderful resource for dealing with high conflict people in divorces. Here are links to some of his books below. I heartily recommend them all.
“BIFF” by Bill Eddy et al
https://www.amazon.com/BIFF-Co-Parent-Communication-Difficult-Conflict/dp/1950057100/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3KC94I2TI96BL&dchild=1&keywords=biff+bill+eddy&qid=1622652755&sprefix=BIFF+bill%2Caps%2C214&sr=8-2
Splitting by Bill Eddy et al (Focusing on dealing with people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders)
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=pd_bxgy_img_3/141-7342981-5972406?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1608820254&pd_rd_r=f361b652-961b-47ff-b569-e4f3dbb21971&pd_rd_w=TfZ1g&pd_rd_wg=fPLGD&pf_rd_p=fd3ebcd0-c1a2-44cf-aba2-bbf4810b3732&pf_rd_r=5TZDXY81W2VR4V587PRB&psc=1&refRID=5TZDXY81W2VR4V587PRB
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